Before we start let’s define a little bit what is pun: Wielded by anyone but a true master, a pun is the lowest form of humor. However, wielded by a master, a pun is the highest, purest form of humor possible by humans. Puns are a dark art, much like necromancy. Raising the dead will get you killed. Raising a pun with your killer sense of humor will get you killed, making it a grave mistake, even if you were dead serious. So we can say we make very punny jokes when we make jokes using wordplay.
Best and most Funny Punny Jokes:
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- About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
- The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
- Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
- Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
- “Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
- My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
- I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
- The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
- My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
- Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- What’s the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
- Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
- Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
- What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home? “Where on Earth have you been?!”
- eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
- I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
- What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
- My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.” “Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”
- I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
- I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
- A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
- What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.
Punny Jokes For Kids – Punny Jokes For Adults
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
- I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
- I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
- Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain? To get to the bottom.
- Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
- “Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”
- “I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall? Dam!!!
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
- Fishermen are reel men.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
- What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
- What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
- “Why is there music coming out of your printer?” -“That will be the paper jamming again!”
- Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.
- My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
- Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
- How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.
- I used to suffer from soap addiction, but I’m clean now.
- Can February March? No, but April May.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
- The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
- I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
- The guests in this hotel are always stealing all the soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.
- I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing windows.
- Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
- What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved.
- I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision.
Some more Punny Jokes But Very Punny Jokes!
- The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.
- I wonder how letters ever get to the recipient. The envelopes, afterall, are stationery.
- “I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”
- I used to be a banker but I lost interest
- I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
- I’ve heard about a scarecrow that won a prize. It was totally outstanding in its field.
- So, you’re not afraid of ghost puns? That’s the spirit!
- What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
- In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
- Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
- What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
- Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
- Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
- Scientists have never been able to pinpoint the exact location of Santa Claus’ birthplace, so they agreed to refer to him as “North Polish”.
- What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.
- I went to the house of horrors for lunch. We had I scream for dessert.
- Why do you barely ever see the sun inside a classroom?
- It’s got enough degrees already.
- How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
- It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.
- He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. - My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
- The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
- When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
- Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
- Why did the calf cross the road?
- It wanted to get to the udder side.
These Punny Jokes are the best Punny Jokes Ever!
- I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
- Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”.
- What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.
- What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.
- Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
- A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
- There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
- I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
- When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
- Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
- Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
- I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
- What was Forrest Gump’s email password? “1forrest1”
- Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
- I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
- A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
- I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
- Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
- Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
- Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
- Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
- What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
- Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
- The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
- I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
- Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
- It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside. 4.1 stars
- Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
- The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.
- I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
- We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
- Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52seconds. Poor guy.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.
- Why did the scarecrow get a raise? He was outstanding in his field.
- Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.
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