Listen, I know it's 2016 and that it's pretty uncool to go around shaming anyone for their appearance, but c'mon. These new Pokémon — like so many Pokémon before them — deserve it. Announced this morning after a Poké-leak, this batch of Pokémon look like the Breakfast Club of a mutant animal high school. Take a look at the bunch of weirdos — do you think they'll find common ground, maybe even become friends, despite being from such different social groups (and are also animal mutants)?
Tapu Koko
Good god. This Electric/Fairy type is intimidating. I'd stay away from him if I were you. But maybe… just maybe… the only reason Tapu Koko looks so frightening is because he's hurting inside. You know what he needs? A makeover!
Cutiefly
Aw, this cute Bug/Fairy type is adorable, but don't underestimate Cutiefly! She's smart, and interesting, and has hopes and dreams just like anyone else! Maybe, by the end of Sun and Moon, Cutiefly will find someone who sees her as more than just another pretty face (especially if her evolution literally does not have a pretty face, which, as history tells us, it won't.
Togedemaru
This lil' Electric/Steel type just looks so content. Almost too content. Like he's hiding something. What's so dark about your life you have to put up this false veneer, Togedemaru? What did your dad get you for Christmas, huh? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner f*ckin' year at the ol' Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. (Maybe I'm projecting my issues onto Togedemaru here. He might just be a happy little mouse friend.)
Drampa
Drampa looks too much like Falkor the Luck Dragon for it to be a coincidence. Drampa must have such a negative view of himself that he feels like he has to impersonate others. Find your own identity, Drampa! You're good enough! I promise!
Bruxish
This upsetting-looking Water and Psychic type is weird. I hate it and it doesn't deserve friends, even in the context of this Breakfast Club-everyone-belongs-we-should-all-accept-each-other comparison. I would smash this fish with a big hammer if I could.
Charjabug
What is Charjabug supposed to be? A bus? That's ridiculous. No Pokémon should look like a bus. What a dork.
Vikavolt
Oh no, that dork evolves into Vikavolt, who is totally killer. I bet he feels really cool, going from looking like a loaf of homemade bread to a badass nightmare demon. But like I do with anyone who suddenly gets cool after being weird-looking for so long, I hope that he just don't don't don't don't forget about me.
With Nintendo also releasing a trailer today, you can check out these new Pokémon in action. But be warned — they basically just show off their attacks, instead of revealing who they are and what high school means to them and what they feel deep inside. (See, this is why you never let Pokémon make a Breakfast Club —they're so shut down emotionally, what with the being abducted and stored in a ball and forced to fight their fellow captives and all.)
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTt65qAkR84&w=560&h=315]
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