Everyone loves telling the one joke that gets the whole room laughing, but it’s a hard task.How do you know which zingers are going to make people chuckle, and which are destined to sink like an anchor? So you don’t have to risk looking like an idiot by telling another bad joke, a group of scientists have figured out the most funny jokes ever. It should be noted that the people being told the jokes by researchers at Oxford University were undergraduates at the London School of Economics, so they might prefer high-brow gags.
Some of the jokes are long, some are short, and two feature bears for some reason, but are they really the most funny jokes in the world? You decide.
Snail with an attitude
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
A genie and an idiot
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
True love lasts forever
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Off to work
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’I forgot to check my Facebook status.
Ooo Heaven is a place on earth
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call.
It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks.
‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’
‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
The Devil’s in the details
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.
The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
Kid vs barber
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber.
‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’
The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
You’re one in a million
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Researchers at Oxford University tested the funny jokes on 55 LSE students and asked them to score the gags.
The group thought the funniest was the one about the kid vs the barber, but surely humour is subjective?
Professor Robert Dunbar who led the research gave some insight into the perfect joke: ‘The task of professional comics is to elicit laughs as directly and as fast as possible.
‘They generally do this most effectively when ensuring that they keep within the mental competence of the typical audience member. ‘If they exceed these limits, the joke will not be perceived as funny.’
They also released some of the funny jokes which just didn’t work, so here are some that you should NEVER say at the pub… ‘If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.’
‘Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.’ ‘Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.
It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.’ ‘I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.’
PS:If you can enjoyed this post on funny jokes, you can further your reading and definitely enjoy this one on ‘A funny joke to tell your girlfriend‘.
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